No where to begin. Just gonna ramble. Just felt like talking and I dont really have anyone to talk to. Found pandora today. Just kinda thought kirk liked it cause he really likes music but i really like it too. So been listening to it and pretty much bsing my day away. killed my self at the gym earlier. Got my heart rate up to 180. pretty sure that's not good since the person told me that 150-like 160 was the cardio region. Not completely dead yet so maybe the heart attack will hold off for a while. maybe if i break my self down far enough i will find something that i like. OK ill admit it. pretty depressed today. Dont wanna go back on medicine though. Medicine is always the cure for everything. Everyone always tells me that the issues that i have with my bio mom is the root of all of my unhappiness. Yeah Yeah Yeah. really tired of hearing that one. I think what my major problem is is my weight. Nothing had happened really and i've been going to the gym for a month now. Getting depressing in itself. I eat bc im unhappy and im unhappy bc i eat. hmmm killing cycle? Idk what to do. starve myself? no tried that one. no sugar? nope passed out every other hour. Presciption drugs? Nope they didnt help. just made me jittery and feel like i needed to do something all the time. so what to do? Take myself apart like i do everything else. Deconstruct the situation. Go back to what little psychological training i have had? I seem to have some good days. In all honesty they are more numerous than the bad days. I think i just keep trying to fill my life with stuff(bs) bc i cant find whatever it is my soul is looking for. Kirk supports me in my efforts. He holds me when i cry. makes me laugh. makes me feel love. He made it possible for me to have animals in my life. Animals are as vital to my being as Kirk is. I just dont know what it is i'm looking for. There is something out there. Something in the great big world that will make me feel complete. There is something that i need. Art? if only. I wish i had a little work shop. Potters wheel, kiln, glazes and tables, blocks of clay.......oh how lovely that would be. But how practical is that? i wouldnt do anything with it. Just catharsis. we wouldnt need to buy any dishes though. Maybe i could go back to school. Do something that i hate so that i could get money so maybe i could have something that i loved. that would be nice. I wish i could make money with something that i loved. Who knows. maybe some day i will find contentment in something. I just like new nice things i guess. guess everyone does. maybe im not as out of balance and i think. who knows?