weird

i am finding new things out about my droid. just stops typing when you get to the bottom of the txt box. interesting. sorry last post was cut off. but anyways. so yeah huge new puppy and i love every inch of him. he is currently taking up the entirety of the foot of the bed.gonna try to get some good pics of him up on face book tomorrow. hopefully i can get some good ones. want him shown in the best light.he s really beautiful. not pretty like ragnar but noble looking in his own right. cute specales all over his muzzle too. idk if ill get a good enough pic to show it or not but one set of eye lashes are white and the other black. adorable. gonna try for sleep now too. goodnight world.

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Big things...

hello internet. well as title states, big things are happening on beech st. we decided to give vasili to stace, stephenie s sister. idk when she will be taking him. prob after the first of the year. he has a vet appt on the twenty ninth. but we were in rmond today at the shelter and i founf the most adorable face i could not pass him up.everyone is gonna think im crazy. no one is gonna understand. people may never come to my house again but......i love him. ok cant use alt and symbols on my droid for this. interesting. but back to my puppy. youll never guess what he is....go on guess.....no ideas?.....he is a bernese mountain and st. bernard mix. absolutely adorable. yes he s huge. yes he s gonna get huger. i could not pass him up though.kirk was a little ummm....cant think of the word not wanting to at first but fell for him when he heard he was free and already house trained broken whatever. i cant fig out how to post pics on here or i would. i have found one of the funniest most interesting things to watch... two hearding dogs trying to heard each other. circles and circle. neither really getting anywhere. kirk was just proding them along too. in true kirk and autumn fashion he has an out there name. abbadon. said like it looks like. idk phenetic spelling. kirk wanted a bad ass name. i wanted something oxymoron like fluffy. abbadon just clicked though and that was that

what to say...

Hello...been a little while. Been having some fun. Quit my job today. Everyone is gonna think im an idiot. Why would i quit a job where all i did was sit on my butt in front of a computer and talk on the phone all day? Many reasons. If you wanna know, call me txt me...i'll ramble on and tell you.

Had a really good visit with everyone this past weekend, well the 5th. Everyone came down and we put up the tree, had g'pa's pizza and played Jenga. Le couldnt make it but andrea was sick. prob not fun to travel with a sick kid. JP and Stephie stayed after everyone left for a while. They brought Guitar hero. First time i had ever played. It was interesting. little difficult to get the hang of. There were only a couple songs that i knew. That does help a lot though. if you know the songs. we'll prob all be playing that up at Le's next weekend for the family christmas thingy.

Depression has been pretty bad recently. I actually picked up a box cutter and started in on my arm like old days but kirk stopped me. Dont know what has caused it. I dont think its the weather cause i like the cold. def prefer it to the hot. No major catastrophe in my life... Just kinda came up and bit me in the butt. Giving Stace Vacilli(vicinni). Only slightly attatched to him and i know he is going to a good home. i know she is gonna love him. Prob more than i do. And there is the thought of getting a new puppy. Always exciting. Depression's just got me by my spinal cord and wont let go. I've been achie and cranky and everything for a while. Maybe it will just go away again on its own soon.

Kirk is doing the dishes right now, bless him. He always does things to help me. I know he worries about me going way off the deep end while he's at work and he won't be here. He should be getting a break for Christmas here soon. I should be able to spend a lot of time with him then. That will be nice. I'm just gonna clean house and the such until then i suppose.

Still going to the gym. havent seen much progress. Prob gonna take a while though. Jaz says it takes like a month for your muscles to change so will be a while b4 it gets easier. that is a slight bummer but i'm doing the best i can to stay determined. Just difficult when you dont see any improvement.

But gonna go. Meat loaf is almost ready. ^_^

Epiphany

So i'm sitting here on my bed staring at the ceiling listening to pandora and wishing i could get back to sleep when it hits me....IM FAT. yes i know i've said it b4. yes i've tried to do something(half heartedly) b4. But this was different. I know why....or i can admit why. I hate movement. Its all painful. No where near what my aunt goes through, but painful bc of my weight. It hurts my knees and ankles to stand. It makes me feel stupid when my stomach jiggles when i walk. But i know what to do! Yes i've been going to the gym for a month now. But yesterday, Jaz made me work. REALLY work. It was enlightening. i CAN do it. for so long i would give up when i felt like my lungs were gonna explode. i would give up when my legs would start to buckle. if i felt like i was gonna be sick then that was the end of whatever i was doing. But Jaz wouldnt let me stop. She forced me to breath even though each hurt like the 7 lvls of hates. When my legs gave she picked me up and made me get back at it. When i was gonna get sick, she said "Go ahead and when youre finished come back so you can finish your 10 minutes." Now this all seems heartless on her part. its not. she was tired of seeing me walk away from the gym with no more than a sweat and maybe a miligram of water weight lost. She understands what i want, what i can do, how much it hurts me, and then pushes me beyond them all. When i walked out of that gym yesterday, yes i was sweating, yes i stank, yes my shirt was sticking to me and showing all the many layers of fat that i have, but i felt like i got something done. really got something done. That is really a first for me in the "fitness" field. Maybe.......just maybe.....i can get something done this time. maybe just maybe this time something will go different....maybe i can go up to jeremy's one time to get pictures done and i will not wonder if my stomach is showing through my shirt. maybe just maybe.....i wont feel embarassed to stand next to kirk who looks so good. maybe.....i can have a pair of jeans for more than a month bc they wont wear out in the thigh. maybe......maybe i could actually have some energy. maybe i could go to king's island or a renaissance festival and not come back with actual bruises on my feel bc i weigh so much. maybe just maybe.....i wouldnt be afraid to go outside....who woulda known that you can develope agoraphobia bc of the way you look. Maybe i would wear my hair down more often? Maybe i would be able to wear high heels?(ok seriously doubt that one. still gonna be a klutz no matter how much i weigh ^_^) i could go into a store find some jeans and just leave with them (not steal!) but not have to try them on cause i know they would fit. the store would be outta them cause everyone wears them not cause they dont carry that far up. So with all these maybe running around in my head, I'm gonna get up and go to the gym with Jaz. throw up explode my lungs and try to find some reason to enjoy every minute when i've only have an hour and a half of sleep. Yes i have officailly stepped off the edge of the planet. Now i'm somewhere where people like me to go a gym and like it....

No where to begin. Just gonna ramble. Just felt like talking and I dont really have anyone to talk to. Found pandora today. Just kinda thought kirk liked it cause he really likes music but i really like it too. So been listening to it and pretty much bsing my day away. killed my self at the gym earlier. Got my heart rate up to 180. pretty sure that's not good since the person told me that 150-like 160 was the cardio region. Not completely dead yet so maybe the heart attack will hold off for a while. maybe if i break my self down far enough i will find something that i like. OK ill admit it. pretty depressed today. Dont wanna go back on medicine though. Medicine is always the cure for everything. Everyone always tells me that the issues that i have with my bio mom is the root of all of my unhappiness. Yeah Yeah Yeah. really tired of hearing that one. I think what my major problem is is my weight. Nothing had happened really and i've been going to the gym for a month now. Getting depressing in itself. I eat bc im unhappy and im unhappy bc i eat. hmmm killing cycle? Idk what to do. starve myself? no tried that one. no sugar? nope passed out every other hour. Presciption drugs? Nope they didnt help. just made me jittery and feel like i needed to do something all the time. so what to do? Take myself apart like i do everything else. Deconstruct the situation. Go back to what little psychological training i have had? I seem to have some good days. In all honesty they are more numerous than the bad days. I think i just keep trying to fill my life with stuff(bs) bc i cant find whatever it is my soul is looking for. Kirk supports me in my efforts. He holds me when i cry. makes me laugh. makes me feel love. He made it possible for me to have animals in my life. Animals are as vital to my being as Kirk is. I just dont know what it is i'm looking for. There is something out there. Something in the great big world that will make me feel complete. There is something that i need. Art? if only. I wish i had a little work shop. Potters wheel, kiln, glazes and tables, blocks of clay.......oh how lovely that would be. But how practical is that? i wouldnt do anything with it. Just catharsis. we wouldnt need to buy any dishes though. Maybe i could go back to school. Do something that i hate so that i could get money so maybe i could have something that i loved. that would be nice. I wish i could make money with something that i loved. Who knows. maybe some day i will find contentment in something. I just like new nice things i guess. guess everyone does. maybe im not as out of balance and i think. who knows?