Epiphany

So i'm sitting here on my bed staring at the ceiling listening to pandora and wishing i could get back to sleep when it hits me....IM FAT. yes i know i've said it b4. yes i've tried to do something(half heartedly) b4. But this was different. I know why....or i can admit why. I hate movement. Its all painful. No where near what my aunt goes through, but painful bc of my weight. It hurts my knees and ankles to stand. It makes me feel stupid when my stomach jiggles when i walk. But i know what to do! Yes i've been going to the gym for a month now. But yesterday, Jaz made me work. REALLY work. It was enlightening. i CAN do it. for so long i would give up when i felt like my lungs were gonna explode. i would give up when my legs would start to buckle. if i felt like i was gonna be sick then that was the end of whatever i was doing. But Jaz wouldnt let me stop. She forced me to breath even though each hurt like the 7 lvls of hates. When my legs gave she picked me up and made me get back at it. When i was gonna get sick, she said "Go ahead and when youre finished come back so you can finish your 10 minutes." Now this all seems heartless on her part. its not. she was tired of seeing me walk away from the gym with no more than a sweat and maybe a miligram of water weight lost. She understands what i want, what i can do, how much it hurts me, and then pushes me beyond them all. When i walked out of that gym yesterday, yes i was sweating, yes i stank, yes my shirt was sticking to me and showing all the many layers of fat that i have, but i felt like i got something done. really got something done. That is really a first for me in the "fitness" field. Maybe.......just maybe.....i can get something done this time. maybe just maybe this time something will go different....maybe i can go up to jeremy's one time to get pictures done and i will not wonder if my stomach is showing through my shirt. maybe just maybe.....i wont feel embarassed to stand next to kirk who looks so good. maybe.....i can have a pair of jeans for more than a month bc they wont wear out in the thigh. maybe......maybe i could actually have some energy. maybe i could go to king's island or a renaissance festival and not come back with actual bruises on my feel bc i weigh so much. maybe just maybe.....i wouldnt be afraid to go outside....who woulda known that you can develope agoraphobia bc of the way you look. Maybe i would wear my hair down more often? Maybe i would be able to wear high heels?(ok seriously doubt that one. still gonna be a klutz no matter how much i weigh ^_^) i could go into a store find some jeans and just leave with them (not steal!) but not have to try them on cause i know they would fit. the store would be outta them cause everyone wears them not cause they dont carry that far up. So with all these maybe running around in my head, I'm gonna get up and go to the gym with Jaz. throw up explode my lungs and try to find some reason to enjoy every minute when i've only have an hour and a half of sleep. Yes i have officailly stepped off the edge of the planet. Now i'm somewhere where people like me to go a gym and like it....