Like Dust in the Wind...

So everyone in the world has dreams. I've had my share. I thought my dream was to be a chef. I went to a culinary vocational and found that i didnt want to do that as a proffesion. Now not only do i not want to do it as a proffesion, I dont even want to cook for my husband. So i went to school for a cna, thought i could follow my grandma and be a nurse. I wasnt any good at that either. I made it through the classes, got my license, but couldnt find a job. Home health was it and i failed at it. So i went to college for an rn. Thought maybe i could work in a hospital or something. Flunked out. Failed. Then i thought i could be a pet groomer...Found out that i cant get a loan to go to school. Im not good enough for a loan. Now my latest dream........something i've only told a couple people.....and its gone....just gone.....Nothing i've done in my life has been good enough. I cant seem to succeed at anything i've set out to do. I'm doomed to fall into the same path as my mother. I dont wanna be there, but i can only fail so many times before i just dont wanna try anymore. My fight has been taken from me. I no longer want to get out of bed in the morning. There's no reason to. I can only fail so many times before i give up.

life choices

so im having issues again. nothing bad. could be a lot worse. just choices.      



i have currently decided something. over the last couple of weeks or so i have come to find this choice is very important to me. its a complete turn around from whhat i had said before. its something i never thought i would hear myself say. im sure. ive thought it through, ready to go......only problem.......kirk doesnt agree. what am i to do? go along with what i want or try to make him happy? he so rarely tells me no. its even more difficult that its something i find important. what am i to do? im just not sure what to do.

Ok! so finally have internet back! wahoo! had to let it go for a while cause of the no income. Never thought i'd miss something  that much. lol. Kirk is currently playing FF13. I told him if "make me a sandwich" comes out of his mouth that im gonna break all three disks. lol. Im thinking about crocheting. have a couple blankets that i really REALLY should be working on. My nails keep sliding off the keys so i will prob cut them too. its been a while since ive even really been on the computer. So bekah finally for her tax money and we should be going to caselton some time soon. Hopefully i can help her break her fear of big cities. Took her forever to trust me taking 70 to rmond.

but anyways. so the super weight loss thing hasnt gone as planned lol. had to drop my gym membership. but i will try to keep doing somethings at home. right not i am currently eating choc chip cookie dough. thanks so much jp for getting me addicted. ^_^ im prob gonna have to go to the dentist. I didnt get a crown put on the root canal that i had done a while ago and it is now breaking outa my jaw.

estellise is finally outa heat. good since we also have 3 boys. we had to keep her crated for almost 3 weeks. She's also getting better about getting bows put in her hair and walking on a leash without trying to chew on it. she still hates her coat and the groomer. Dont tell her but she is going back in another 2 weeks. And we will keep going until we get all the mats outa her fur that her previous owner aloud her to amass. I refuse to shave her.

So all in all, all is well on beech st. Kirk is happier with his position at work. less pay and he works more hours. but he isnt as stressed. his feet arent wet for 12 hours and he doesnt have to deal with dumbasses. oh and he is back on the night shift too. allwell. i am very excited for him to not be stressed. it was really starting to wear on him.

i got passed up on the job that i had an interview for so i am looking for another. so far, even with the help of unemployment office, i have been able to find nothing.

so yeah. nothing really left to talk about. ttyl!

This is my newest little love, Estellise. I rescued her from an owner who didnt know anything about the breed and wasnt able to care for her like she needed. Im hoping that now her fur will grow in better and she wont get sick. She is a full blooded yorkie. That means a show coat!!! I cant wait for it to grow in. I'm gonna take her to the groomers friday so she can have a sanitary cut and have her nails trimmed, her ears plucked and shaved, washed, DEEP conditioned, paw hairs trimmed, nails painted, muzzle hairs cut, and another cute pony tail put in! So much for only $30! I'm hoping she will do well. She hates it when i put a pony tail in now. lol. Cant have a cute little fluffy girl dog without a pony tail and bows! I know, good thing i dont have a girl kid or i would be torturing her with fluffy dresses and bows and ribbons and the such. But anyways. Gonna go up to rmond at midnight for Kirk to get FF13. He is starting on nights today so he wont be able to go. Kinda sad. I know he enjoys that kinda thing.

Not a good day today. Have been in a bad mood. I have no idea why. We didn't watch the super bowl last night if anyone is curious. We have no means by which to watch the super bowl. Kirk didnt get off work until 6p anyways. Kirk and I have been fighting today like crazy. I dont know why. Mostly about him working all the time and money. Been pretty depressed this weekend. I hung out with Bekah yesterday. Got material to make a dress for her birthday. Kirk doesnt want me to get another dress for her birthday party. The dress that im making is for her and me going out and getting cotton candy cosmos at o'charley's. She wants like a little black dress thing for her actual bday party. Another thing that doesnt help the situation is that i simply can not talk without yelling and screaming if im mad, so usually i wont talk about the situation until i've calmed down. well....that usually takes a while. This time Kirk had to leave for a meeting for work before i was over it and now i have to wait until 4pm to talk to him about it.

anyways. i have no motivation today. trying to get the gumption up to work on my new dress but i just wanna talk to kirk. guess im not gonna get anything done until that happens. its gonna be pretty though. bright purple and emerald green! woohoo!!! great big a line, full and tiers. I'll prob wear it until it falls apart.

Guess i'm gonna get off here and see if i can do something to combat the depression today. bye!

Well still sick. Stuffed up nose and get headaches from being frustrated at it. Kirk is at work so i am running around the house trying to get some things done. IDK why, but thought maybe i could make the house look nice. I know silly right? I'm outta stuff to do until the washer and dryer go off.

Tried to get back in touch with old friends. Didnt go so well. They pretty much told me to piss off. Well some of them did. One is thinking about it. Kinda says something bout me huh? that they have to "think" about it. Allwell i guess. I never really get out anyways.

Abbadon is snoring away on the floor. He got to run around outside today. Thinking about trying to dig out the olds and go down to Bekah's just to have something to do. Cabin Fever maybe? Yeah kinda starting in on that. Bekah hasn't had a chance to meet Abbie. I'm just worried about how Roxie and Abbie would get along. Abbie is so much bigger than everyone else.

Was working on a star blanket for me and then got tired of it. It's really close to the end so instead of ripping it all out i'll prob finish it later or something. I made kirk a beanie. my first one. Thoguht it went well. He likes it. It covers his ears. LOL. I love him. He doesnt know it yet, but he is gonna dig out the other car so i can go to bekah's tomorrow b4 i have to call my uncle for bail money cause i murdered someone cause im going crazy!!!!

So i called my uncle cause my droid is messing up and he said for me to reset it and if it does it again to take it to verion cause its really messed up. that sucks!!! i have so much crap on there that i dont wanna have to redownload or some such stuff.  super annoying. But i want my phone to work too sooooo what do you do?

But i'm getting bored of this too and running outta stuff to talk about so im gonna go.

JP if i call you for bail money... I DIDNT DO IT! i was at home all afternoon watching movies and playing with my puppies. i was never anywhere near any possible person that may or may not be dead. Just so you know.

-A

laying here and wondering if ill be able to get to sleep. cant really breath well. blower motor went out on furnace yesterday and it got really really cold in here. guy fixed it today though for like three hundred dollars. sigh. and in that time both kirk and i got sick. prob from breathing all the cold air. so my nose is all stuffy and fantastic. got to show abbadon to jp and steph today. they both seem to really like him.i know i do.

but just thought i would vent a little of my frustration about being sick. gonna try to go to sleep again. night hopefully

a