what to say...

Hello...been a little while. Been having some fun. Quit my job today. Everyone is gonna think im an idiot. Why would i quit a job where all i did was sit on my butt in front of a computer and talk on the phone all day? Many reasons. If you wanna know, call me txt me...i'll ramble on and tell you.

Had a really good visit with everyone this past weekend, well the 5th. Everyone came down and we put up the tree, had g'pa's pizza and played Jenga. Le couldnt make it but andrea was sick. prob not fun to travel with a sick kid. JP and Stephie stayed after everyone left for a while. They brought Guitar hero. First time i had ever played. It was interesting. little difficult to get the hang of. There were only a couple songs that i knew. That does help a lot though. if you know the songs. we'll prob all be playing that up at Le's next weekend for the family christmas thingy.

Depression has been pretty bad recently. I actually picked up a box cutter and started in on my arm like old days but kirk stopped me. Dont know what has caused it. I dont think its the weather cause i like the cold. def prefer it to the hot. No major catastrophe in my life... Just kinda came up and bit me in the butt. Giving Stace Vacilli(vicinni). Only slightly attatched to him and i know he is going to a good home. i know she is gonna love him. Prob more than i do. And there is the thought of getting a new puppy. Always exciting. Depression's just got me by my spinal cord and wont let go. I've been achie and cranky and everything for a while. Maybe it will just go away again on its own soon.

Kirk is doing the dishes right now, bless him. He always does things to help me. I know he worries about me going way off the deep end while he's at work and he won't be here. He should be getting a break for Christmas here soon. I should be able to spend a lot of time with him then. That will be nice. I'm just gonna clean house and the such until then i suppose.

Still going to the gym. havent seen much progress. Prob gonna take a while though. Jaz says it takes like a month for your muscles to change so will be a while b4 it gets easier. that is a slight bummer but i'm doing the best i can to stay determined. Just difficult when you dont see any improvement.

But gonna go. Meat loaf is almost ready. ^_^

Epiphany

So i'm sitting here on my bed staring at the ceiling listening to pandora and wishing i could get back to sleep when it hits me....IM FAT. yes i know i've said it b4. yes i've tried to do something(half heartedly) b4. But this was different. I know why....or i can admit why. I hate movement. Its all painful. No where near what my aunt goes through, but painful bc of my weight. It hurts my knees and ankles to stand. It makes me feel stupid when my stomach jiggles when i walk. But i know what to do! Yes i've been going to the gym for a month now. But yesterday, Jaz made me work. REALLY work. It was enlightening. i CAN do it. for so long i would give up when i felt like my lungs were gonna explode. i would give up when my legs would start to buckle. if i felt like i was gonna be sick then that was the end of whatever i was doing. But Jaz wouldnt let me stop. She forced me to breath even though each hurt like the 7 lvls of hates. When my legs gave she picked me up and made me get back at it. When i was gonna get sick, she said "Go ahead and when youre finished come back so you can finish your 10 minutes." Now this all seems heartless on her part. its not. she was tired of seeing me walk away from the gym with no more than a sweat and maybe a miligram of water weight lost. She understands what i want, what i can do, how much it hurts me, and then pushes me beyond them all. When i walked out of that gym yesterday, yes i was sweating, yes i stank, yes my shirt was sticking to me and showing all the many layers of fat that i have, but i felt like i got something done. really got something done. That is really a first for me in the "fitness" field. Maybe.......just maybe.....i can get something done this time. maybe just maybe this time something will go different....maybe i can go up to jeremy's one time to get pictures done and i will not wonder if my stomach is showing through my shirt. maybe just maybe.....i wont feel embarassed to stand next to kirk who looks so good. maybe.....i can have a pair of jeans for more than a month bc they wont wear out in the thigh. maybe......maybe i could actually have some energy. maybe i could go to king's island or a renaissance festival and not come back with actual bruises on my feel bc i weigh so much. maybe just maybe.....i wouldnt be afraid to go outside....who woulda known that you can develope agoraphobia bc of the way you look. Maybe i would wear my hair down more often? Maybe i would be able to wear high heels?(ok seriously doubt that one. still gonna be a klutz no matter how much i weigh ^_^) i could go into a store find some jeans and just leave with them (not steal!) but not have to try them on cause i know they would fit. the store would be outta them cause everyone wears them not cause they dont carry that far up. So with all these maybe running around in my head, I'm gonna get up and go to the gym with Jaz. throw up explode my lungs and try to find some reason to enjoy every minute when i've only have an hour and a half of sleep. Yes i have officailly stepped off the edge of the planet. Now i'm somewhere where people like me to go a gym and like it....

No where to begin. Just gonna ramble. Just felt like talking and I dont really have anyone to talk to. Found pandora today. Just kinda thought kirk liked it cause he really likes music but i really like it too. So been listening to it and pretty much bsing my day away. killed my self at the gym earlier. Got my heart rate up to 180. pretty sure that's not good since the person told me that 150-like 160 was the cardio region. Not completely dead yet so maybe the heart attack will hold off for a while. maybe if i break my self down far enough i will find something that i like. OK ill admit it. pretty depressed today. Dont wanna go back on medicine though. Medicine is always the cure for everything. Everyone always tells me that the issues that i have with my bio mom is the root of all of my unhappiness. Yeah Yeah Yeah. really tired of hearing that one. I think what my major problem is is my weight. Nothing had happened really and i've been going to the gym for a month now. Getting depressing in itself. I eat bc im unhappy and im unhappy bc i eat. hmmm killing cycle? Idk what to do. starve myself? no tried that one. no sugar? nope passed out every other hour. Presciption drugs? Nope they didnt help. just made me jittery and feel like i needed to do something all the time. so what to do? Take myself apart like i do everything else. Deconstruct the situation. Go back to what little psychological training i have had? I seem to have some good days. In all honesty they are more numerous than the bad days. I think i just keep trying to fill my life with stuff(bs) bc i cant find whatever it is my soul is looking for. Kirk supports me in my efforts. He holds me when i cry. makes me laugh. makes me feel love. He made it possible for me to have animals in my life. Animals are as vital to my being as Kirk is. I just dont know what it is i'm looking for. There is something out there. Something in the great big world that will make me feel complete. There is something that i need. Art? if only. I wish i had a little work shop. Potters wheel, kiln, glazes and tables, blocks of clay.......oh how lovely that would be. But how practical is that? i wouldnt do anything with it. Just catharsis. we wouldnt need to buy any dishes though. Maybe i could go back to school. Do something that i hate so that i could get money so maybe i could have something that i loved. that would be nice. I wish i could make money with something that i loved. Who knows. maybe some day i will find contentment in something. I just like new nice things i guess. guess everyone does. maybe im not as out of balance and i think. who knows?

Long night

Hello Everyone!

Sitting around playing on the laptop. So very happy to have one back. Thanks Jeremy for helping us pick the right one!

So Kirk is at work and i dont really have anything to do. Just thought that i would write here on my blog. Kinda gettig addicted to it. This way i don't annoy all the people on facebook. LOL. But yes i am just sitting around watching Mr. Deeds. The butler is hilarious. THe puppies are running around, and then just falling over cause they run themselves silly.

Hopefully things will get better with Kirk and his job. He had an interview with Dot Foods Thursday. They said that we may not hear from them for 1 or 2 weeks. Kinda long time to wait. If all goes well he will advance to the next round of interviewing. Then if all goes well he will have a job. Well a new job. Indalex/ Sapa is just tearing him to shreds. He has more scars than he ever recieved in the first 18 years of his life. Bundles fell on him. He has to work in approx 100degF temps, in long sleeves, and jeans. From what he tells me the conditions just sound terrible. Dot sounds much better. A little bit farther away but if it helps him not hate that part of his life than i am all for supporting that.

So what to do now? What should i do until Kirk gets home? Only about an hour left. Very well may be the longest hour of my life. And now I'm just rambling so I'm gonna go. Talk to the internet later!

-A

Wahoo!!!

Hello internet!

Only 7 days until the Ren fest! I am above excited! Things are shaping up really well. Kirk can't decide what he wants to wear but other than that we are ready to go! The weather looks like it is going to cooperate with us. Supposed to be 76 and cloudy. Hopefully it will only rain the day b4 and the day after like weather.com says it will. I do NOT want to drag that dress though rain and sludge. That just seems horendous.

But other than the excitement about the ren fest not too much is going on around here. Kirk had an interview for a job at Dot Foods Thursday. He says that he thinks it went well. We wont know anything for a week or two. Then we will know if he goes to the next lvl of interviewing. So everyone keep praying, crossing your finger, or making to voodoo dolls. Whatever it is you do.

But Anyways quick post. Gonna get back to making dinner/ breakfast/ meal time stuff.
Oh Yeah!!!!
Super Mario Bros for the Wii comes out November 3rd! Very excited about that as well!

-A

Well....

Ok, listen. I can explain...

I know it has been a while since I've posted but I have been really busy. So let us begin!



Hello to the one person that follows this blog. LOL. AKA hi Jeremy.



So, renaissance festival in 10 days! Wahoo! Let the count down begin. I have officially finished the outfits and we have bought our tickets. Things are looking good. Now if it just wont rain that day, that would be great too. Weather.com says that it is supposed to rain the Friday before. So all of us are piling up in a car. 6 layers of dresses, muslin, canvas, and the guys vest things that I can't remember the name of. All into cars for a lovely 2 hour drive to Harveysburg, OH. Anyone wanna teach us how to teleport? Then its a lovely 2 hr drive back, undoubtably with battle axes, chain mesh, and any other sharp and pointy that my husband can get his hands on. Yep sounds like a normal trip for our group. I am above and beyond the call of duty for excited! Kinda just wanna hybernate until Saturday morning...

But on a not so great note...
work once again sucks. And not only does it suck but it couldn't have picked a better time to suck. Kirk's car is finally ready for us to pick up from the mechanic after two months of the poor guy completely redoing the electrical crap in the car. We have to come up with $400 relatively quickly. Luckly the mechanic is the father of a lifelong friend and was my dad pretty much until i was like 11 since mine wasn't there. So he said it was alright if we couldn't pay it all at once. So a little help but yeah work sucks....For approx 4 weeks work was steady, I was getting all the hours I was scheduled for, things were awesome. This week they have already called me off 3 times.
But on a good note about jobs, Kirk has an interview with Dot Foods Thursday @ 2:30. Hopefully that will go well and he will be able to get out of the hell hole that is threatening his life almost everyday. His feet still haven't completely healed from those stupid bundles.

Anyways, Kirk just got home so I am gonna quit venting now. Gonna try to keep up with this more too. Sorry everyone! ( Jeremy LOL)

- A

wow

Hello everyone. sorry it has been so long. Jeremy just reminded me that i have this thing. LOL. Well nothing too important has reallly happened since my party. Sam, Brandon, Kirk and I went to King's Island Saturday(18th). That was fun. They are got to ride the vortex, diamondback, firehawk, and racer. i only rode the racer and hated every second of it. I am not a fan of the "falling" feeling. All in all we had a really good time though. Left here at 8am. hit a detour and then finally made it there by like 9:35. stayed until 7pm when my feet absolutely would not hold me anymore. I'm sure they could've gone on until midnight as planned. I feel pretty bad about making all of them come back so soon. I got an airbrushed hoodie that says "we survived king's island '09 Kirk and Autumn". I really feel like it was a survival thing. LOL. Don't know if i would be up for going back or not. There were some really good points to the day. When we took a break from rides and lines we went to the arcade and Sam hit the jackpot on one of those games where you watch the light and hit the button. that was awesome. She said that is the first big thing she has ever one. Got a picture of her with the game holding up the massive amount of tickets. I got a video of them on the firehawk too. Well gotta get too work. Might be late actually. lol. Try to write more later!

-A