Holy Shift!

So its been a seriously long time since i have done anything with this blog. So here goes,

I have been working at petco. Have transfered even since the last time i was on here. Things are going well in that department. I will be starting training soon i think. At least we have been talking about it. Maybe....Someday.... People at work are nice although they yell... a lot. Im working on making new friends and being self sufficient. It's a pretty lonely life if you ask me. Maybe i just dont understand it right or something. Things between Kirk and me arent the greatest. Could be way better. Dont know if they will get back to there but i very much hope so. People keep telling myself that i dont need to set myself up for the disappointment but i like to think that maybe we can work this out and keep our marriage together. The whole situation has pretty much consumed my life for the past month, month +1/2. We have some great times, some good times, but most of the time i feel like he is just playing fake. I really need someone i can talk to about this. I dont really have anyone to talk to who isnt tired or hearing about it or tells me that i need counseling. I dont mind going to counseling, its just crazy expensive. Maybe i need a journal or something. I know i need some project that has absolutley nothing to do with him...but what?

Anyways, that topic is depressing. I'm afraid its ant season again. I just found a couple on that counter. Time to get out the bug spray and yard spikes! what joy! Maybe we can teach the dogs to be ant killing machines. hmm... maybe a nap is in order. seems like all i do is sleep now a days. allwell. at least when im asleep it doesnt hurt so much.

Light at the end of the tunnel???

Well, Things are getting better. Kirk has a job. I have 2 jobs. And we are looking at getting our own place up here. Gonna take some getting used to but i think things will be good again. Missing my puppy a lot. I understand that he had to go though. Just wish that he hadnt. I am currently getting ready for work. Im supposed to leave in like 10 minutes, but allwell. there's always time for a blog! lol. Kirk's job is Toys r Us and he says that he likes it so far. He goes in at 6am a couple of days next week. poor darling. My earliest is 8. I'm just trying to make it through the day. Im not very good at it as i am so soft hearted. I guess ill just have to suck it up and deal with the mean coworkers. ^_^ the dogs are wonderful though and i get to see so many of them. All breeds and sizes. I love that part.

So after a long and aggonising wait, Tuesday we will know something about the unemployment. They called yesterday and said that we should def know something by Tuesday. WA-FN-Hooooooo!!!!! It's about time. So hopefully everything will go well and we will be able to pay everyone back and pay things off and all the such. I am excited. Kirk and I both agreed that this has been the roughest thing we have been through together. We also both agreed that when we do get money we are going to spend just a little bit on something fun for both of us. Almost 8 weeks without any income is killer!

Anyways! So other than that nothing new is going on. I have still to finish the blanket that i am doing for Sam. I am half way through and I have until about Aug 14th. I should get it finished. took a break to play games with Kirk. All well. So yeah gonna get on that blanket now. lol.

revelation

So i just got on my facebook and found out that i have been unfriended. How wonderful! How petty can someone be? Really? Does this person think unfriending me is gonna make me sad or feel bad? Come on?!

R&R

Hello everyone! Today is a good day. We are getting things started. Got a lot of paper work finished and hopefully things will be getting on the roll here soon. Took all morning but hopefully things will be looking up. We should know the result of this morning's efforts in a couple days. Really hoping to know by the weekend so that we dont have to wait until monday. Brandon's dad will be back on Sunday too so our normal schedule of hanging out with our friends should be back on track. I am currently looking at a rediculously large crocheting chart thinking "what did i get myself into?". lol. unfortunately that happens a lot. lol. Allwell. Hopefully it will look nice by the time im finished and she will like it. I have 2 months to finish it. If i dont get it finished by then i need to be shot. It never takes me that long to finish a project. The remaining puppies are just laying around. Theyre all very cute. We sold estellise today. She is going to a family in hagerstown. and older couple who wanted a little doggie. Abbadon is laying at my feet. Ragnar is watching Kirk's every move as he plays games. Nicias is curled up in a blanket. and Vizzini, stacey's puppy, is playing cat on the arm of the chair. But that's just a small update of what's going on. I'm gonna get off of here and get to the crocheting. ^_^

p.s. thanks gma for the flower pot. my cactus looks a lot better!

Silver lining

So thanks every one for the well wishes! Things are looking up. I'm getting things back in order and my life is back on that path that i want it to be. Gonna take some time. I'm hoping that it doesnt take too long. my friends had to wait for 3 years. haha! I would go crazy by then!

But about the job situation, keep your fingers crossed! Hopefully we will find something soon. Walmart here went to being open to midnight so hopefully they will be calling us.

Estellise is for sale if anyone wants her! $100. she's almost a year, spayed, has shots, about 7lbs, and good with other dogs. spread the word too!!!

Like Dust in the Wind...

So everyone in the world has dreams. I've had my share. I thought my dream was to be a chef. I went to a culinary vocational and found that i didnt want to do that as a proffesion. Now not only do i not want to do it as a proffesion, I dont even want to cook for my husband. So i went to school for a cna, thought i could follow my grandma and be a nurse. I wasnt any good at that either. I made it through the classes, got my license, but couldnt find a job. Home health was it and i failed at it. So i went to college for an rn. Thought maybe i could work in a hospital or something. Flunked out. Failed. Then i thought i could be a pet groomer...Found out that i cant get a loan to go to school. Im not good enough for a loan. Now my latest dream........something i've only told a couple people.....and its gone....just gone.....Nothing i've done in my life has been good enough. I cant seem to succeed at anything i've set out to do. I'm doomed to fall into the same path as my mother. I dont wanna be there, but i can only fail so many times before i just dont wanna try anymore. My fight has been taken from me. I no longer want to get out of bed in the morning. There's no reason to. I can only fail so many times before i give up.

life choices

so im having issues again. nothing bad. could be a lot worse. just choices.      



i have currently decided something. over the last couple of weeks or so i have come to find this choice is very important to me. its a complete turn around from whhat i had said before. its something i never thought i would hear myself say. im sure. ive thought it through, ready to go......only problem.......kirk doesnt agree. what am i to do? go along with what i want or try to make him happy? he so rarely tells me no. its even more difficult that its something i find important. what am i to do? im just not sure what to do.

Ok! so finally have internet back! wahoo! had to let it go for a while cause of the no income. Never thought i'd miss something  that much. lol. Kirk is currently playing FF13. I told him if "make me a sandwich" comes out of his mouth that im gonna break all three disks. lol. Im thinking about crocheting. have a couple blankets that i really REALLY should be working on. My nails keep sliding off the keys so i will prob cut them too. its been a while since ive even really been on the computer. So bekah finally for her tax money and we should be going to caselton some time soon. Hopefully i can help her break her fear of big cities. Took her forever to trust me taking 70 to rmond.

but anyways. so the super weight loss thing hasnt gone as planned lol. had to drop my gym membership. but i will try to keep doing somethings at home. right not i am currently eating choc chip cookie dough. thanks so much jp for getting me addicted. ^_^ im prob gonna have to go to the dentist. I didnt get a crown put on the root canal that i had done a while ago and it is now breaking outa my jaw.

estellise is finally outa heat. good since we also have 3 boys. we had to keep her crated for almost 3 weeks. She's also getting better about getting bows put in her hair and walking on a leash without trying to chew on it. she still hates her coat and the groomer. Dont tell her but she is going back in another 2 weeks. And we will keep going until we get all the mats outa her fur that her previous owner aloud her to amass. I refuse to shave her.

So all in all, all is well on beech st. Kirk is happier with his position at work. less pay and he works more hours. but he isnt as stressed. his feet arent wet for 12 hours and he doesnt have to deal with dumbasses. oh and he is back on the night shift too. allwell. i am very excited for him to not be stressed. it was really starting to wear on him.

i got passed up on the job that i had an interview for so i am looking for another. so far, even with the help of unemployment office, i have been able to find nothing.

so yeah. nothing really left to talk about. ttyl!

This is my newest little love, Estellise. I rescued her from an owner who didnt know anything about the breed and wasnt able to care for her like she needed. Im hoping that now her fur will grow in better and she wont get sick. She is a full blooded yorkie. That means a show coat!!! I cant wait for it to grow in. I'm gonna take her to the groomers friday so she can have a sanitary cut and have her nails trimmed, her ears plucked and shaved, washed, DEEP conditioned, paw hairs trimmed, nails painted, muzzle hairs cut, and another cute pony tail put in! So much for only $30! I'm hoping she will do well. She hates it when i put a pony tail in now. lol. Cant have a cute little fluffy girl dog without a pony tail and bows! I know, good thing i dont have a girl kid or i would be torturing her with fluffy dresses and bows and ribbons and the such. But anyways. Gonna go up to rmond at midnight for Kirk to get FF13. He is starting on nights today so he wont be able to go. Kinda sad. I know he enjoys that kinda thing.

Not a good day today. Have been in a bad mood. I have no idea why. We didn't watch the super bowl last night if anyone is curious. We have no means by which to watch the super bowl. Kirk didnt get off work until 6p anyways. Kirk and I have been fighting today like crazy. I dont know why. Mostly about him working all the time and money. Been pretty depressed this weekend. I hung out with Bekah yesterday. Got material to make a dress for her birthday. Kirk doesnt want me to get another dress for her birthday party. The dress that im making is for her and me going out and getting cotton candy cosmos at o'charley's. She wants like a little black dress thing for her actual bday party. Another thing that doesnt help the situation is that i simply can not talk without yelling and screaming if im mad, so usually i wont talk about the situation until i've calmed down. well....that usually takes a while. This time Kirk had to leave for a meeting for work before i was over it and now i have to wait until 4pm to talk to him about it.

anyways. i have no motivation today. trying to get the gumption up to work on my new dress but i just wanna talk to kirk. guess im not gonna get anything done until that happens. its gonna be pretty though. bright purple and emerald green! woohoo!!! great big a line, full and tiers. I'll prob wear it until it falls apart.

Guess i'm gonna get off here and see if i can do something to combat the depression today. bye!

Well still sick. Stuffed up nose and get headaches from being frustrated at it. Kirk is at work so i am running around the house trying to get some things done. IDK why, but thought maybe i could make the house look nice. I know silly right? I'm outta stuff to do until the washer and dryer go off.

Tried to get back in touch with old friends. Didnt go so well. They pretty much told me to piss off. Well some of them did. One is thinking about it. Kinda says something bout me huh? that they have to "think" about it. Allwell i guess. I never really get out anyways.

Abbadon is snoring away on the floor. He got to run around outside today. Thinking about trying to dig out the olds and go down to Bekah's just to have something to do. Cabin Fever maybe? Yeah kinda starting in on that. Bekah hasn't had a chance to meet Abbie. I'm just worried about how Roxie and Abbie would get along. Abbie is so much bigger than everyone else.

Was working on a star blanket for me and then got tired of it. It's really close to the end so instead of ripping it all out i'll prob finish it later or something. I made kirk a beanie. my first one. Thoguht it went well. He likes it. It covers his ears. LOL. I love him. He doesnt know it yet, but he is gonna dig out the other car so i can go to bekah's tomorrow b4 i have to call my uncle for bail money cause i murdered someone cause im going crazy!!!!

So i called my uncle cause my droid is messing up and he said for me to reset it and if it does it again to take it to verion cause its really messed up. that sucks!!! i have so much crap on there that i dont wanna have to redownload or some such stuff.  super annoying. But i want my phone to work too sooooo what do you do?

But i'm getting bored of this too and running outta stuff to talk about so im gonna go.

JP if i call you for bail money... I DIDNT DO IT! i was at home all afternoon watching movies and playing with my puppies. i was never anywhere near any possible person that may or may not be dead. Just so you know.

-A

laying here and wondering if ill be able to get to sleep. cant really breath well. blower motor went out on furnace yesterday and it got really really cold in here. guy fixed it today though for like three hundred dollars. sigh. and in that time both kirk and i got sick. prob from breathing all the cold air. so my nose is all stuffy and fantastic. got to show abbadon to jp and steph today. they both seem to really like him.i know i do.

but just thought i would vent a little of my frustration about being sick. gonna try to go to sleep again. night hopefully

a

weird

i am finding new things out about my droid. just stops typing when you get to the bottom of the txt box. interesting. sorry last post was cut off. but anyways. so yeah huge new puppy and i love every inch of him. he is currently taking up the entirety of the foot of the bed.gonna try to get some good pics of him up on face book tomorrow. hopefully i can get some good ones. want him shown in the best light.he s really beautiful. not pretty like ragnar but noble looking in his own right. cute specales all over his muzzle too. idk if ill get a good enough pic to show it or not but one set of eye lashes are white and the other black. adorable. gonna try for sleep now too. goodnight world.

a

Big things...

hello internet. well as title states, big things are happening on beech st. we decided to give vasili to stace, stephenie s sister. idk when she will be taking him. prob after the first of the year. he has a vet appt on the twenty ninth. but we were in rmond today at the shelter and i founf the most adorable face i could not pass him up.everyone is gonna think im crazy. no one is gonna understand. people may never come to my house again but......i love him. ok cant use alt and symbols on my droid for this. interesting. but back to my puppy. youll never guess what he is....go on guess.....no ideas?.....he is a bernese mountain and st. bernard mix. absolutely adorable. yes he s huge. yes he s gonna get huger. i could not pass him up though.kirk was a little ummm....cant think of the word not wanting to at first but fell for him when he heard he was free and already house trained broken whatever. i cant fig out how to post pics on here or i would. i have found one of the funniest most interesting things to watch... two hearding dogs trying to heard each other. circles and circle. neither really getting anywhere. kirk was just proding them along too. in true kirk and autumn fashion he has an out there name. abbadon. said like it looks like. idk phenetic spelling. kirk wanted a bad ass name. i wanted something oxymoron like fluffy. abbadon just clicked though and that was that

what to say...

Hello...been a little while. Been having some fun. Quit my job today. Everyone is gonna think im an idiot. Why would i quit a job where all i did was sit on my butt in front of a computer and talk on the phone all day? Many reasons. If you wanna know, call me txt me...i'll ramble on and tell you.

Had a really good visit with everyone this past weekend, well the 5th. Everyone came down and we put up the tree, had g'pa's pizza and played Jenga. Le couldnt make it but andrea was sick. prob not fun to travel with a sick kid. JP and Stephie stayed after everyone left for a while. They brought Guitar hero. First time i had ever played. It was interesting. little difficult to get the hang of. There were only a couple songs that i knew. That does help a lot though. if you know the songs. we'll prob all be playing that up at Le's next weekend for the family christmas thingy.

Depression has been pretty bad recently. I actually picked up a box cutter and started in on my arm like old days but kirk stopped me. Dont know what has caused it. I dont think its the weather cause i like the cold. def prefer it to the hot. No major catastrophe in my life... Just kinda came up and bit me in the butt. Giving Stace Vacilli(vicinni). Only slightly attatched to him and i know he is going to a good home. i know she is gonna love him. Prob more than i do. And there is the thought of getting a new puppy. Always exciting. Depression's just got me by my spinal cord and wont let go. I've been achie and cranky and everything for a while. Maybe it will just go away again on its own soon.

Kirk is doing the dishes right now, bless him. He always does things to help me. I know he worries about me going way off the deep end while he's at work and he won't be here. He should be getting a break for Christmas here soon. I should be able to spend a lot of time with him then. That will be nice. I'm just gonna clean house and the such until then i suppose.

Still going to the gym. havent seen much progress. Prob gonna take a while though. Jaz says it takes like a month for your muscles to change so will be a while b4 it gets easier. that is a slight bummer but i'm doing the best i can to stay determined. Just difficult when you dont see any improvement.

But gonna go. Meat loaf is almost ready. ^_^

Epiphany

So i'm sitting here on my bed staring at the ceiling listening to pandora and wishing i could get back to sleep when it hits me....IM FAT. yes i know i've said it b4. yes i've tried to do something(half heartedly) b4. But this was different. I know why....or i can admit why. I hate movement. Its all painful. No where near what my aunt goes through, but painful bc of my weight. It hurts my knees and ankles to stand. It makes me feel stupid when my stomach jiggles when i walk. But i know what to do! Yes i've been going to the gym for a month now. But yesterday, Jaz made me work. REALLY work. It was enlightening. i CAN do it. for so long i would give up when i felt like my lungs were gonna explode. i would give up when my legs would start to buckle. if i felt like i was gonna be sick then that was the end of whatever i was doing. But Jaz wouldnt let me stop. She forced me to breath even though each hurt like the 7 lvls of hates. When my legs gave she picked me up and made me get back at it. When i was gonna get sick, she said "Go ahead and when youre finished come back so you can finish your 10 minutes." Now this all seems heartless on her part. its not. she was tired of seeing me walk away from the gym with no more than a sweat and maybe a miligram of water weight lost. She understands what i want, what i can do, how much it hurts me, and then pushes me beyond them all. When i walked out of that gym yesterday, yes i was sweating, yes i stank, yes my shirt was sticking to me and showing all the many layers of fat that i have, but i felt like i got something done. really got something done. That is really a first for me in the "fitness" field. Maybe.......just maybe.....i can get something done this time. maybe just maybe this time something will go different....maybe i can go up to jeremy's one time to get pictures done and i will not wonder if my stomach is showing through my shirt. maybe just maybe.....i wont feel embarassed to stand next to kirk who looks so good. maybe.....i can have a pair of jeans for more than a month bc they wont wear out in the thigh. maybe......maybe i could actually have some energy. maybe i could go to king's island or a renaissance festival and not come back with actual bruises on my feel bc i weigh so much. maybe just maybe.....i wouldnt be afraid to go outside....who woulda known that you can develope agoraphobia bc of the way you look. Maybe i would wear my hair down more often? Maybe i would be able to wear high heels?(ok seriously doubt that one. still gonna be a klutz no matter how much i weigh ^_^) i could go into a store find some jeans and just leave with them (not steal!) but not have to try them on cause i know they would fit. the store would be outta them cause everyone wears them not cause they dont carry that far up. So with all these maybe running around in my head, I'm gonna get up and go to the gym with Jaz. throw up explode my lungs and try to find some reason to enjoy every minute when i've only have an hour and a half of sleep. Yes i have officailly stepped off the edge of the planet. Now i'm somewhere where people like me to go a gym and like it....

No where to begin. Just gonna ramble. Just felt like talking and I dont really have anyone to talk to. Found pandora today. Just kinda thought kirk liked it cause he really likes music but i really like it too. So been listening to it and pretty much bsing my day away. killed my self at the gym earlier. Got my heart rate up to 180. pretty sure that's not good since the person told me that 150-like 160 was the cardio region. Not completely dead yet so maybe the heart attack will hold off for a while. maybe if i break my self down far enough i will find something that i like. OK ill admit it. pretty depressed today. Dont wanna go back on medicine though. Medicine is always the cure for everything. Everyone always tells me that the issues that i have with my bio mom is the root of all of my unhappiness. Yeah Yeah Yeah. really tired of hearing that one. I think what my major problem is is my weight. Nothing had happened really and i've been going to the gym for a month now. Getting depressing in itself. I eat bc im unhappy and im unhappy bc i eat. hmmm killing cycle? Idk what to do. starve myself? no tried that one. no sugar? nope passed out every other hour. Presciption drugs? Nope they didnt help. just made me jittery and feel like i needed to do something all the time. so what to do? Take myself apart like i do everything else. Deconstruct the situation. Go back to what little psychological training i have had? I seem to have some good days. In all honesty they are more numerous than the bad days. I think i just keep trying to fill my life with stuff(bs) bc i cant find whatever it is my soul is looking for. Kirk supports me in my efforts. He holds me when i cry. makes me laugh. makes me feel love. He made it possible for me to have animals in my life. Animals are as vital to my being as Kirk is. I just dont know what it is i'm looking for. There is something out there. Something in the great big world that will make me feel complete. There is something that i need. Art? if only. I wish i had a little work shop. Potters wheel, kiln, glazes and tables, blocks of clay.......oh how lovely that would be. But how practical is that? i wouldnt do anything with it. Just catharsis. we wouldnt need to buy any dishes though. Maybe i could go back to school. Do something that i hate so that i could get money so maybe i could have something that i loved. that would be nice. I wish i could make money with something that i loved. Who knows. maybe some day i will find contentment in something. I just like new nice things i guess. guess everyone does. maybe im not as out of balance and i think. who knows?

Long night

Hello Everyone!

Sitting around playing on the laptop. So very happy to have one back. Thanks Jeremy for helping us pick the right one!

So Kirk is at work and i dont really have anything to do. Just thought that i would write here on my blog. Kinda gettig addicted to it. This way i don't annoy all the people on facebook. LOL. But yes i am just sitting around watching Mr. Deeds. The butler is hilarious. THe puppies are running around, and then just falling over cause they run themselves silly.

Hopefully things will get better with Kirk and his job. He had an interview with Dot Foods Thursday. They said that we may not hear from them for 1 or 2 weeks. Kinda long time to wait. If all goes well he will advance to the next round of interviewing. Then if all goes well he will have a job. Well a new job. Indalex/ Sapa is just tearing him to shreds. He has more scars than he ever recieved in the first 18 years of his life. Bundles fell on him. He has to work in approx 100degF temps, in long sleeves, and jeans. From what he tells me the conditions just sound terrible. Dot sounds much better. A little bit farther away but if it helps him not hate that part of his life than i am all for supporting that.

So what to do now? What should i do until Kirk gets home? Only about an hour left. Very well may be the longest hour of my life. And now I'm just rambling so I'm gonna go. Talk to the internet later!

-A

Wahoo!!!

Hello internet!

Only 7 days until the Ren fest! I am above excited! Things are shaping up really well. Kirk can't decide what he wants to wear but other than that we are ready to go! The weather looks like it is going to cooperate with us. Supposed to be 76 and cloudy. Hopefully it will only rain the day b4 and the day after like weather.com says it will. I do NOT want to drag that dress though rain and sludge. That just seems horendous.

But other than the excitement about the ren fest not too much is going on around here. Kirk had an interview for a job at Dot Foods Thursday. He says that he thinks it went well. We wont know anything for a week or two. Then we will know if he goes to the next lvl of interviewing. So everyone keep praying, crossing your finger, or making to voodoo dolls. Whatever it is you do.

But Anyways quick post. Gonna get back to making dinner/ breakfast/ meal time stuff.
Oh Yeah!!!!
Super Mario Bros for the Wii comes out November 3rd! Very excited about that as well!

-A